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| The RG32M, simply the world's best SUV. Ever. With a glimps of its designer, agent KOx2Eish, behind the wheel. |
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| A doublecab version of the RG32M SUV (built in a hurry for the Irish army) about to lap an International truck in an informal dice. |
You have to respect their bloodyminded obstinancy to resist any intruder. With the blood of Genghis Khan's mongol hordes still boiling in their veins, these Afghanistan fighters almost kicked Alexander the Great's arse and then did give the boot to the Soviets in the 1970s. Ditto the British in the 1990s. And lastly, the Yanks. The Afghan men fear only Allah and dishonour.
But they do admit to have a healthy respect for that bakkie from Benoni. The Benoni bomb bakkie's real name is the RG32M, and it is spoken about in awed whispers wherever hardened vets who know there are no winners after a war, gather to quaff beer or sip sweet tea.
While other vehicles have driver's manuals written by weedy nerds, the learned scribe behind the Benoni bakkie's manual is none other than Vernon Koekoemoer, who became infamous as the oke who makes Chuck Norris look like a sissy.
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| Vernon Koekemoer in the BAE Vickers factory pub. |
Furthermore, this bakkie is tuned by Agent K. Double Oh. Eish -- "Koos" to his mates. Agent KOx2Eish's surname is Zietsman and he is also South Africa's ultra 4x4 challenge champion for several years running. This guy's party trick is to drive up walls. Serijass! I've seen him do it too, in his tricked-out Jeep, named Grizelda.
Which of course means the eight-ton, armoured-plated Benoni bakkie designed by agent KOx2Eish's can turn like a township brak after a bitch on heat and ramp over mine dumps, to then land without fusing any of the vertebrata in the people strapped into sprung hammock seats inside.
Oh, and it takes a couple of exploding kilograms of TNT in its stride. Under each axle. And in the middle. At the same time.
So tough is the Benoni Bomb bakkie in fact that our keen lads in the employ of the Taliban have a handy rule of thumb to determine which armour-plated car they just blew up.
We have loosely translated a section below:
Blown-panzer recognition guide:
1. When the smoke clears and the pieces are small and bloody, it was that Great Satan's Humvee. And we all know those money worshippers treat war as an export business.
2. When the smoke clears and the pieces are bigger, with lots of moaning going on in the line of "buggerdis foralark" and "Aaisay oldchap", it was a British Snatch Land Rover. And those camel-f**ers refused to learn from Hitler.
3. If the smoke clears and the pieces are not only still moving, but all in one piece AND gunning for you while some infidel is screaming "Jou Mase Hare!", then it is that bakkie from Benoni. Prepare to meet the great Allah (and discover why you have to be a stiff to cope with 72 virgins.)
The rest of the specs are proprietary, but all you really need to know about the RG32M is that it comes with a Steier or Cummins diesel under the hood, linked to an auto box, can still drive 1km after its fuel tank got shot to bits and it will shoot back with a big automatic rifle mounted on the roof, which shoots rounds that slices through metal. (Agent KOx2Eish calls the gunner's hatch a "Benoni sunroof".)
2012 update:
More armed forces have ordered the RG32M; the Brits have learned from agent KO2Eish and now ride in the Foxhound; and the Taliban lads now reportedly rub a little clove oil behind their ears upon sighting one of these Benoni bomb bakkies. This of course does not prevent them from dying a glorious death, but they hope it will help them smell less like goat piss and old cheese when they meet up with their quota of virgins in heaven, insh'Allah. (Watch Jeff Dunham's mate, Achmed, who explains it best.)
