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| The RG32M, simply the world's best SUV. Ever. With a glimpse of its engineer, agent Koos, behind the wheel. Photo: Jay Groat |
In India, young cricket fans like to explode cherry bombs at the matches. Likewise in Afghanistan, but there the excitable lads also enjoy making things go big badaboom along roadsides. They often recite entire chapters of the Qu'ran while doing so... and tend to keep score in body parts, not balls bowled.
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| A double-cab version of the RG32M SUV (built in a hurry for the Irish army) about to lap an International truck in an informal dice. It was supposed to be a calm photoshoot, but you know... pickup drivers will be pickup drivers. (Photo: The Author). |
You have to respect their bloodyminded obstinancy to resist any intruder. With the blood of Genghis Khan's mongol hordes still boiling in their veins, these Afghanistan fighters almost kicked Alexander the Great's arse and then did give the boot to the Soviets in the 1970s.
Ditto the British in the 1990s. And lastly, the Yanks. The Afghan men fear only Allah and dishonour.
But they do admit to have a healthy respect for that bakkie from Benoni. The Benoni bomb bakkie's real name is the RG32M, and it is spoken about in awed whispers wherever hardened combat veterans who learned there are no winners after a war, gather to quaff beer or sip sweet tea.
While other vehicles have driver's manuals written by weedy nerds, the learned scribe behind the Benoni bakkie's manual is none other than Cassie Booyse, aka Vernon Koekoemoer, who became infamous as the oke who makes Chuck Norris look like a sissy.
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| Cassie, aka 'Vernon Koekemoer' in the pub of the factory where the RG32M was born. |
Furthermore, this bakkie is tuned by Agent K. Double Oh. Eish. Or just "Koos" to his mates.
Agent kOOs' surname is Zietsman and when not engineering suspensions for 8-ton panzer cars or building fast bikes, he was also South Africa's ultra 4x4 challenge champion for several years running. This guy's party trick was to drive up and park vertical against retainer walls. Serijass! I've seen him do it too, in his tricked-out Jeep, named Grizelda.
Which of course means the eight-ton, armoured-plated Benoni bakkie designed by agent k00s can turn like a township brak after a bitch on heat and ramp over mine dumps, to then land in a cloud of dust without fusing any of the vertebrata in the people strapped into the sprung-hammock seats inside.
Oh, and it takes a couple of exploding kilograms of TNT in its stride. Under each axle. And in the middle. At the same time.
So tough is the Benoni Bomb bakkie in fact that our keen lads in the employ of the Taliban have a handy rule of thumb to determine which armour-plated car they just blew up.
We have loosely translated a section below:
Blown-panzer recognition guide:
1. When the smoke clears and the pieces are small and bloody, it was that Great Satan's Humvee. And we all know those money worshippers treat war as an export business.
2. When the smoke clears and the pieces are bigger, with lots of moaning going on in the line of "buggerdis foralark" and "Aaisay oldchap", it was a British Snatch Land Rover. And those camel-f**ers refused to learn from Hitler.
3. When the smoke clears and the pieces are not only still moving, but are all still in one piece AND gunning for you while some infidel is screaming "Jou Mase Hare!", then it is that bakkie from Benoni. Prepare to meet the great Allah (and discover why you have to be a stiff to cope with 72 virgins.)
The rest of the specs are proprietary, but all you really need to know about the RG32M is that it comes with a Steier or Cummins diesel under the hood, linked to a 5-speed Allison automatic transmission driving self-inflating tyres which can still drive 1km after its fuel tank got shot to bits -- and that it will shoot back with a big automatic rifle mounted on the roof, armed with rounds that slices through metal.
The self-effacing Agent Koos calls the gunner's hatch "a Benoni sunroof" and as for that sublime independent coils-over-oils suspension under the RG32M, he said that's just how most peoples living in the ruff an tuff East Rand of Jo'burg tune their rides.
As for the bomb bakkies' original Seff Effrikin name, the story goes the R is for Ragel, the wife of one of the bosses way back when; the 32 is reportedly not for the number of prototypes it took to get to a model that worked, but the engine size; and the M is for miliary use.
Updates
More armed forces have ordered the RG32M; the Brits have learned from agent Koos and now ride in the Foxhound.
Check out what British War Legends had to say abuot this Benoni Bomb Bakkie on Youtube:
Seff Effrikin glossary
Seff Effrikin = 'South African' pronounced in the Se'ffrikin accent, similar to the Niiziilint accent, but with more clenched-teeth.
Benoni = Son of my Sorrow in Hebrew, also birth place of actress Charlize Theron whose portryal of life in this mining town won her an Oscar.
bakkie = pickup in 'merikuh, or a ute in Oz
township brak = trailer park mongrel
Jou Mase Hare! = Your Mother's Hairs. (Afrikaans is pidgin language and therefore quite... expressive.)
