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| Prepare to get bogged down, and you won't. |
#1 GET A NATIVE GUIDE
A sexy one is a bonus, but a good one is best. Then make like a
chameleon and blend in. Shed the camera on the stomach, the belt-wallet and the
large walking shoes. Dress and do like your guide.
#2 MAKE YOUR BED BEFORE DARK
The elite members of the professional travelling fraternity
(beggars, gypsies, reps and reconnaissance soldiers) all agree on one thing:
when in a new place, establish where you’re going to sleep long before night
falls. Only rank amateurs try to set up camp after dark.
#3 AVOID PLACES CALLED PARIS
Places that “nestle” and towns that rely on romance to pimp
themselves to busloads of tourists are tourist traps.
This includes any place touting its snow or canals and especially
any place called Paris. Honest locals will tell you the canals collect the
city’s smelly offal and that snow is just slush waiting to happen. Places called
Paris attract the scum of society, including pickpockets, bag snatchers and
gorgeous blondes with surnames like Hilton.
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| Michael Tellinger from Mpumalanga in South Africa does not think footprint was made by natural erosion. |
#4 VISIT SMALL TOWNS
Get off the highway to stop at each small town en route. The
locals will be grateful for the company … if not the fresh meat. Don’t however,
bother stopping in Parys, South Africa; or Paris, Texas. The former is now
antique capital (another sign of a tourist trap) and the latter is still the
lynching capital of the U.S.
#5 EAT LOCAL
Even the most timid tourist becomes an intrepid explorer by simply
breaking bread with the locals. You don’t have to fall for their
let’s-see-if-the-visitor-eats-eyeballs trick, (unless you like the rubbery
texture), but DO try the criadillas/mountain oysters/peertjies. The fact that so
many cultures have recipes to bake, boil or broil testicles shows it can’t be
ALL bad.
#6 ALL BRIBES ARE NEGOTIABLE
Civil servants in most developing countries see bribes as a
more honest form of tax, which is a good attitude to cultivate when you start
negotiating the final sum to be handed over. Keep smiling, show will, apologise
for your current state of poverty, explain you have to leave a little baksheesh
for the officials in the next stop also; and whenever possible, pack new
stationary or sorts to give as bribe for service in lieu of cash.
#7 LOSE THE BACKPACK
Frequent fliers know all the clothes you will use on the trip
will fit into your laptop bag. Warm feet equals warm
body, so pack thick socks. For the rest, three sets of dark clothes will meet
all you needs — one drying, one in the laptop bag, and one on the body. For cold nights, a
poncho or cloak holds a lot of heat, sheds water and adds all the mystique a
windbreaker can’t. For hot beaches, a sarong can make both sexes of any shape
look languidly debonair … and they take no space.
#8 WHAT EQUIPMENT?
Your camera will not break as long as you have a spare. When
in doubt, choose the one with fewer moving parts. Get a local sim card. Cables
are important. Solar recharges are smart, and cheap solar torches make for good
gifts and light. A mosquito net, (remember a thin rope and hook) makes an
excellent cushion for all the electronics and prevent the short- and long-term
misery caused by mosquitoes — even in deserts.
#9 KEEP THESE CLOSE TO YOU
In pocket-size, waterproof bags on your person, keep certified
copies of your passport, cigarettes to share with taciturn officials; sweets
with vitamin C for when meals are few and far between; pencils and small
notebooks, both to bribe and remember with; condoms, (they do carry two litres
of water); and sample-size ointments for cuts, bites, and sunstroke.
#10 HEALTH AND WEALTH
Injuries reflect a state of mind, so cultivate an “I can” mind,
but mind — sunburn, cuts, insect bites and Deli Belly can and do happen to the
adventurous traveler. The sample-sized ointments are for these. For the big
stuff, like plane crashes, get insurance and med-evac. For the small stuff, get
a mosquito net. Defying gravity is fun but can also break your bones, so don’t do
it when alcohol is closer than medical care. For the rest, respect Murphy’s Law and it will respect
you.
